The Five Stages of W.A.A.A.A!!!

Having a newborn is full of challenges. The biggest one is probably the lack of sleep that lasts for 37 years... or maybe it's just 6 months or so... hard to tell the difference. Anyway, during this time it's very common to experience a nighttime ritual called "Wide Awake And Annoyingly Alert" (W.A.A.A.A!!! for short - I don't think it's a coincidence that's also the sound most mothers want to make during this phenomenon). It occurs in 5 stages.

Stage 1: Denial

This stage has two parts. The first one hits when the baby first wakes up and starts crying at ungodly o'clock for the 17th time that hour. Common thoughts include:

- "Maybe I'm dreaming and the baby is actually still asleep."

- "That's just the dog whimpering because he decided to drink 4 gallons of water right before bed and now has to pee."

- "Maybe it was just a gas bubble and he's/she's not really awake. If I lie here really still maybe he'll/she'll sleep through the night."

The second part of stage one happens when you have gotten the baby up, changed them, fed them, burped them, cleaned up the barf, changed their clothes as well as your own (and maybe even your bed sheets), repeated the entire process 3 times, and they're still staring at you with those eyes. The ones that are bright and alert and show no signs of going back to sleep anytime in the next decade. You realize at this point that you will never, ever sleep again. Common thoughts include:

- "This cannot be happening again! I've only gotten 3 hours of sleep the entire past month. I MUST be dreaming."

- "He/she has to be exhausted. We've been awake for 2 hours and 45 minutes this round. I'm sure he'll/she'll pass out very soon. Yes, any second now..."

- "I refuse to believe that men can't lactate. That would only be fair. I just spent the last 9 months not sleeping, it seems only reasonable that hubby should be able to take a turn now, right?"

Stage 2: Anger

This stage is pretty self-explanatory. You're mad at the world because you are practically a zombie, and you might literally eat the face off the next person who tells you, "sleep when the baby sleeps." Don't they know babies don't need more than 2 minutes of sleep at a time to survive?! Common thoughts include:

- "If this kid doesn't go to sleep soon, I swear to God I'm going to stuff it back inside of my uterus."

- "Who's bright idea was it to have a baby? Why does ANYONE ever have a baby?!"

- "How the heck is my husband still asleep? How is he able to sleep through everything? WHY CAN'T MEN LACTATE?!"

Stage 3: Bargaining

This is the stage where you would give away your left foot just to be able to get 20 minutes of uninterrupted sleep. Common thoughts include:

- "God, if you just let this child fall asleep right now, I promise I will never waste another precious second that I could be sleeping on facebook or Netflix. Also, I'll stop eating those sugar-filled cookies that probably cause my milk to become a straight up infant insomnia inducer."

- "Ok kid, I'll let you lie here in bed with me, but you HAVE to sleep. This way I will at least be able to rest my own eyes for a few minutes at a time... I know they'll snap back open in a panic every 30 seconds since I'm paranoid of rolling over on you, but I'm desperate enough to be ok with 30-second naps."

- "I remember reading a study once that said if men do/take something then it might be possible for them to lactate. I should find that article. I don't want to look at my phone or a computer screen right now, though, because it might wake my brain up, and then I'll be screwed if she goes to sleep in a few minutes. Maybe I can just hook the pump up to hubby to encourage lactation. That could work, right?"

Stage 4: Depression

This is where you give up on life. Common thoughts include:

- "So this is how it ends. Thank God we updated our will last week."

- "*Sob*"

- "Luckily I froze all that milk. Since, for whatever reason, my husband STILL can't lactate, at least he'll have something to feed the baby when they find me comatose in the morning."

Stage 5: Acceptance

The final stage is where you come to terms with the fact that you're not going to get any more sleep on this particular night, but know you will somehow make it to the next bedtime (hopefully) without killing anyone. You may have to set up a caffeine IV drip in order to survive, but you can do this... Common thoughts include:

- "Well, I guess it's safe now to pick up my phone/computer and surf facebook. My brain is already awake anyway. Maybe it'll actually help me wake up a little more so I don't feel so much like death incarnate."

-"Hey, at least I can get a head start on laundry. Silver lining!"

- "Poor hubby has to get up for work in 10 minutes anyway. I guess it's ok he doesn't make milk. This way one of us can get some sleep so there's at least one sane adult in the house."

At this point hubby gets up for work, you go to the bathroom, put in your contacts, start thinking about what to make for breakfast... you look over and notice that your precious little night owl is passed out cold. Not even an atomic bomb could wake them. It doesn't matter that you're already wide awake yourself now. Maybe all those people who told you, "sleep when the baby sleeps," had a point. That could work, right? You will MAKE it work. You lie down and sigh in pure joy when your head hits that glorious pillow. You start to doze off and are even on the verge of a dream. Sweet victory. 

Then the toddlers wake up.