First Kid, Second Kid

Most moms to be say they hit a "nesting stage" at some point in their pregnancy. They obsess over every little thing... toilets being scrubbed, closets being organized, every single piece of pet hair being removed from every single surface in the home (and car, and office, etc.). This phenomenon never happened to me. With either pregnancy. Probably because I was too focused on more important things like not losing bladder control, or figuring out how to roll out of bed to get to the bathroom for the 1,364,747 time (that hour) to increase my chances of not losing control of said bladder. When my first child was born, however, I did experience several moments of what I like to refer to as Post Birth Nesting (PBN). These are the moments when a mother momentarily loses her mind at even the thought of her child sitting in, eating, or touching something potentially harmful to their health. Now that I'm a mother of two, I've realized that PBN seems to be a disorder that only affects mothers of one child*. The effects seem to wear off with a second child, and I'm suspicious that they continue to dwindle with each subsequent one. Here are some examples to illustrate my point:

First Kid:

"Nurse, where EXACTLY are you taking my baby to run those tests, and how long will they take? I will watch the clock until you return with her. You better not be late."

Second Kid:

"Hey nurse, do you want to babysit my sweet little newborn for an hour or two so I can sleep?"

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First Kid:

"We're not giving her a binky until she learns to properly latch while feeding. She sure does have a good set of lungs, huh?"

Second Kid:

"OMG please keep the stupid binky in your mouth! Mommy needs to sleeeeep!"

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First Kid:

"The doctor said we cannot take her out into public until she is at least 6 weeks old. Please use the hand sanitizer located on the front porch before ringing the doorbell. After entering the house, please use the second bottle of sanitizer in the foyer before you go to the bathroom or kitchen to fully wash your hands up to your elbows. Please do not breathe on the baby, hold the baby, or come within 5 feet of the baby until you have been given permission."

Second Kid:

"I've been cooped up in this house for 2 days straight.... Let's go to Target!"

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First Kid:

"Don't let the dog lick her! That mouth is full of germs!"

Second Kid:

"Eh. She'll experience worse things. Plus it may help strengthen her immune system."

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First Kid:

"Do NOT eat food off the filthy floor! The pets walk around on that! Mommy will clean up what you dropped."

Second Kid:

"Here....... Why don't you crawl around and pick up all these Kix you dropped. This will keep you busy so Mommy can have 2 (hopefully uninterrupted) seconds to go pee..."

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First Kid:

"No, Sophie! Toilet paper is not a toy. You don't unroll it. It's for grownups only."

Second Kid:

"Honey, Sadie just ate some toilet paper."

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So you see, PBN really is a disorder limited to firstborns. Take heart, all you moms out there who are currently suffering from its symptoms. The cure is simple: Have another baby. Of course, you may lose your mind then for other reasons, the main one being that you will never sleep again. Ever. But hey, at least you'll no longer feel the uncontrollable urge to vacuum 17 times a day!

*This statement may or may not be true for mothers of multiples.