The Five Stages of W.A.A.A.A!!!

Having a newborn is full of challenges. The biggest one is probably the lack of sleep that lasts for 37 years... or maybe it's just 6 months or so... hard to tell the difference. Anyway, during this time it's very common to experience a nighttime ritual called "Wide Awake And Annoyingly Alert" (W.A.A.A.A!!! for short - I don't think it's a coincidence that's also the sound most mothers want to make during this phenomenon). It occurs in 5 stages.

Stage 1: Denial

This stage has two parts. The first one hits when the baby first wakes up and starts crying at ungodly o'clock for the 17th time that hour. Common thoughts include:

- "Maybe I'm dreaming and the baby is actually still asleep."

- "That's just the dog whimpering because he decided to drink 4 gallons of water right before bed and now has to pee."

- "Maybe it was just a gas bubble and he's/she's not really awake. If I lie here really still maybe he'll/she'll sleep through the night."

The second part of stage one happens when you have gotten the baby up, changed them, fed them, burped them, cleaned up the barf, changed their clothes as well as your own (and maybe even your bed sheets), repeated the entire process 3 times, and they're still staring at you with those eyes. The ones that are bright and alert and show no signs of going back to sleep anytime in the next decade. You realize at this point that you will never, ever sleep again. Common thoughts include:

- "This cannot be happening again! I've only gotten 3 hours of sleep the entire past month. I MUST be dreaming."

- "He/she has to be exhausted. We've been awake for 2 hours and 45 minutes this round. I'm sure he'll/she'll pass out very soon. Yes, any second now..."

- "I refuse to believe that men can't lactate. That would only be fair. I just spent the last 9 months not sleeping, it seems only reasonable that hubby should be able to take a turn now, right?"

Stage 2: Anger

This stage is pretty self-explanatory. You're mad at the world because you are practically a zombie, and you might literally eat the face off the next person who tells you, "sleep when the baby sleeps." Don't they know babies don't need more than 2 minutes of sleep at a time to survive?! Common thoughts include:

- "If this kid doesn't go to sleep soon, I swear to God I'm going to stuff it back inside of my uterus."

- "Who's bright idea was it to have a baby? Why does ANYONE ever have a baby?!"

- "How the heck is my husband still asleep? How is he able to sleep through everything? WHY CAN'T MEN LACTATE?!"

Stage 3: Bargaining

This is the stage where you would give away your left foot just to be able to get 20 minutes of uninterrupted sleep. Common thoughts include:

- "God, if you just let this child fall asleep right now, I promise I will never waste another precious second that I could be sleeping on facebook or Netflix. Also, I'll stop eating those sugar-filled cookies that probably cause my milk to become a straight up infant insomnia inducer."

- "Ok kid, I'll let you lie here in bed with me, but you HAVE to sleep. This way I will at least be able to rest my own eyes for a few minutes at a time... I know they'll snap back open in a panic every 30 seconds since I'm paranoid of rolling over on you, but I'm desperate enough to be ok with 30-second naps."

- "I remember reading a study once that said if men do/take something then it might be possible for them to lactate. I should find that article. I don't want to look at my phone or a computer screen right now, though, because it might wake my brain up, and then I'll be screwed if she goes to sleep in a few minutes. Maybe I can just hook the pump up to hubby to encourage lactation. That could work, right?"

Stage 4: Depression

This is where you give up on life. Common thoughts include:

- "So this is how it ends. Thank God we updated our will last week."

- "*Sob*"

- "Luckily I froze all that milk. Since, for whatever reason, my husband STILL can't lactate, at least he'll have something to feed the baby when they find me comatose in the morning."

Stage 5: Acceptance

The final stage is where you come to terms with the fact that you're not going to get any more sleep on this particular night, but know you will somehow make it to the next bedtime (hopefully) without killing anyone. You may have to set up a caffeine IV drip in order to survive, but you can do this... Common thoughts include:

- "Well, I guess it's safe now to pick up my phone/computer and surf facebook. My brain is already awake anyway. Maybe it'll actually help me wake up a little more so I don't feel so much like death incarnate."

-"Hey, at least I can get a head start on laundry. Silver lining!"

- "Poor hubby has to get up for work in 10 minutes anyway. I guess it's ok he doesn't make milk. This way one of us can get some sleep so there's at least one sane adult in the house."

At this point hubby gets up for work, you go to the bathroom, put in your contacts, start thinking about what to make for breakfast... you look over and notice that your precious little night owl is passed out cold. Not even an atomic bomb could wake them. It doesn't matter that you're already wide awake yourself now. Maybe all those people who told you, "sleep when the baby sleeps," had a point. That could work, right? You will MAKE it work. You lie down and sigh in pure joy when your head hits that glorious pillow. You start to doze off and are even on the verge of a dream. Sweet victory. 

Then the toddlers wake up.

First Kid, Second Kid

Most moms to be say they hit a "nesting stage" at some point in their pregnancy. They obsess over every little thing... toilets being scrubbed, closets being organized, every single piece of pet hair being removed from every single surface in the home (and car, and office, etc.). This phenomenon never happened to me. With either pregnancy. Probably because I was too focused on more important things like not losing bladder control, or figuring out how to roll out of bed to get to the bathroom for the 1,364,747 time (that hour) to increase my chances of not losing control of said bladder. When my first child was born, however, I did experience several moments of what I like to refer to as Post Birth Nesting (PBN). These are the moments when a mother momentarily loses her mind at even the thought of her child sitting in, eating, or touching something potentially harmful to their health. Now that I'm a mother of two, I've realized that PBN seems to be a disorder that only affects mothers of one child*. The effects seem to wear off with a second child, and I'm suspicious that they continue to dwindle with each subsequent one. Here are some examples to illustrate my point:

First Kid:

"Nurse, where EXACTLY are you taking my baby to run those tests, and how long will they take? I will watch the clock until you return with her. You better not be late."

Second Kid:

"Hey nurse, do you want to babysit my sweet little newborn for an hour or two so I can sleep?"

____________________

First Kid:

"We're not giving her a binky until she learns to properly latch while feeding. She sure does have a good set of lungs, huh?"

Second Kid:

"OMG please keep the stupid binky in your mouth! Mommy needs to sleeeeep!"

____________________

First Kid:

"The doctor said we cannot take her out into public until she is at least 6 weeks old. Please use the hand sanitizer located on the front porch before ringing the doorbell. After entering the house, please use the second bottle of sanitizer in the foyer before you go to the bathroom or kitchen to fully wash your hands up to your elbows. Please do not breathe on the baby, hold the baby, or come within 5 feet of the baby until you have been given permission."

Second Kid:

"I've been cooped up in this house for 2 days straight.... Let's go to Target!"

____________________

First Kid:

"Don't let the dog lick her! That mouth is full of germs!"

Second Kid:

"Eh. She'll experience worse things. Plus it may help strengthen her immune system."

____________________

First Kid:

"Do NOT eat food off the filthy floor! The pets walk around on that! Mommy will clean up what you dropped."

Second Kid:

"Here....... Why don't you crawl around and pick up all these Kix you dropped. This will keep you busy so Mommy can have 2 (hopefully uninterrupted) seconds to go pee..."

____________________

First Kid:

"No, Sophie! Toilet paper is not a toy. You don't unroll it. It's for grownups only."

Second Kid:

"Honey, Sadie just ate some toilet paper."

____________________

So you see, PBN really is a disorder limited to firstborns. Take heart, all you moms out there who are currently suffering from its symptoms. The cure is simple: Have another baby. Of course, you may lose your mind then for other reasons, the main one being that you will never sleep again. Ever. But hey, at least you'll no longer feel the uncontrollable urge to vacuum 17 times a day!

*This statement may or may not be true for mothers of multiples.